My eyes open,
And my body convulses in instinct.
Cold and
Unbelievably dark
I struggle for traction.
Praying for my hands to be strong enough
To pull myself up out of this
Painful and strong body.
The betrayal of something that had previously provided.
Something that had sustained me.
I feel the crushing weight of comfort in excess.
I sink further,
Struggle harder
Attempting to save myself.
I strain,
Feeling my body buckle in on itself.
I kick my feet and pray for the ground,
Hoping to find the launching pad of my childhood.
The solidity that was always there when I began to panic.
But there is no ground. There is nothing solid here. Here in the untamed world.
A world that has not been kind to me. One that has tugged on me and fought with me.
Now it has decided to swallow me up. To betray me entirely. To end my constant struggle.
Light doesn’t reach down here and I can’t find my way.
Reaching up, I attempt to save myself from this attempt at betrayal.
realize that my struggle is futile.
My lungs are empty, and my
Muscles are tired.
I find that all of my fight has left.
My hope of resistance lost
Under the crushing weight of it all.
This feeling of loss is replaced with
Contentment.
All at once, I don’t need to fight anymore.
No need to duel with the forces of nature.
Warm and
Surrounding me.
I do not need to leave my eyes open,
My surroundings look the same either way.
I relax my sore self.
The relief I’ve sought has been down here all along.
Darkness,
In and around.
This is my enemy’s act of kindness.
I feel it smiling at me, from every angle.
But in this final reflection,
It all comes flashing back.
How hard I’ve fought, indeed.
The things done to keep myself intact,
To continue and reap the benefits of my battle.
Something else flashes on the back of my gently closed lids.
A vision of what’s yet to come.
Suddenly I see
Myself, an emboldened fighter.
Standing atop the world I’ve shaped,
In the background,
All the places I’ve gone.
Is that what is waiting for me?
Angry and
Revived,
I slam my hands up and find purchase.
My lungs empty, heart full.
Hands slipping through, numb and exhausted.
Like a torpedo toward a hunk of metal,
I move regardless of feeling, my target set.
Uncontrollable and full of resentment, I climb.
Shimmering whiteness from the surface breaks through and I
Know that my life is close.
Reaching up, my hand rips through at last.
Surfacing, I slink through the body of death toward solid ground.
Land is found at last and I place my feet on that solidity.
I turn to face my enemy’s futile attempt on my life one last time.
But as my head swivels and my eyes finally focus through the darkness of night,
I see only myself looking back up at me.